Should you go back?
I get more calls than you’d expect from people thinking about going back to something.
Back to a job they’d quit a few months ago. Back to a partner they’d split up with a few years ago. Back to a hometown they’d left a few DECADES ago.
Unsurprisingly, this brings up a lot of feelings and questions! Going back to something can feel shameful, like admitting you made a mistake. It can feel humbling to ask someone to take you back after you left. And it can feel oddly humiliating to return to a place you thought you’d outgrown.
So, when you’re faced with the choice to return, what should you do? Here are some tips I’ve figured out over the years.
1) Ask yourself: Has going backwards ever worked out for you?
I’ve found that for some people, going backwards is almost never right. It’s maybe a personality trait? I’m Very Bad at going back to things—once I’m done, I’m done. That’s not true for everyone, though, and that’s why you should look at your own history for examples of when you’ve returned to something. How did that go? How did you feel? Let that be a guide to whether or not to go back this time.
2) Ask yourself: Did I give what I’m doing now a fair try?
Maybe you took a new job and you’re not enjoying it as much as you thought you would. Maybe you had a few miserable months on the dating apps. Whatever your current situation, you’ll avoid a lot of mess if you make very, very sure that you’ve really tried to make your current situation a success. Then, if you’re still not happy, you can consider going back.
3) Look at your former situation as realistically as possible.
What’s changed that would mean that you were happier with your old flame now than you were before? What’s different about your previous job that would mean you were satisfied and could stop searching for new opportunities? What attractions does your hometown hold for you these days, when you used to run screaming in the other direction?
If you can’t see a significant difference between then and now, you probably shouldn’t go back. It might feel like a temporary relief—settling back into your old cubicle and work routine can feel amazing after three months at a job that stressed you out every single day—but I promise, that feeling will wear off.
4) Consider your OTHER options.
Maybe it’s not a binary choice. Try to zoom out and see what other options you have. Maybe it’s not between staying at a new job you hate and going back to your old job—instead, you take a few months and apply to lots of other jobs and see what turns up. Perhaps instead of choosing between sitting alone in your apartment every night and running back into the arms of your ex, you make a decision to go on two dates a week for a month and re-evaluate at the end.
There are often other options that, when you widen your scope to consider them, offer something better than either staying in an uncomfortable new situation or going back to something familiar. When you leave a situation, there’s usually a good reason for it! So if you go back, you want to do it thoughtfully and deliberately, not just for short-term relief.
5) Free yourself from shame
People leave their company for a new job, find it isn’t working out and return ALL THE TIME! I’ve coached people who have left a company, returned, left again, and returned AGAIN. Many people break up, then get back together (even getting remarried to the same person isn’t all that uncommon).
The worst part usually isn’t the returning. It’s the feelings of embarrassment about returning. But I find that A) remembering that people aren’t thinking about or judging you nearly as much as you think they are and B) prepping a script for when people ask you why you came back can go a long way to erasing those feelings of shame. “I changed my mind” is a pretty powerful sentence.