How to figure out what decision you’re actually making

I’ve noticed a theme in a lot of the sessions I’ve done recently. People are calling me, not with a binary decision, but with a larger, less specific question.

“I’m thinking of leaving my job. Or maybe the whole industry I work in. And maybe moving to a new city. What should I do?! And when?!”

Because this kind of question has been so prevalent lately, I thought I’d offer a few suggestions for figuring out the actual decision you need to make. Because yes, you need to figure this out first! Otherwise it’s just a morass of different ideas and needs and demands and your brain looks like a plate of spaghetti.

First, get all those ideas down on paper. The expression “mind dump” is extremely gross, but this is what I do whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed: grab a sheet of paper and write down every single little thing that’s on my mind. Just having all that stuff in one place makes me feel better.


Now, it’s time to get real and eliminate the options you know, deep down, you’re never going to do. We all have something like this on our list, whether it’s moving to New Zealand to live in a hobbit hole or taking up knitting. Examine your paper and just put a line right through the stuff that’s truly not realistic, or not realistic right NOW. It doesn’t have to disappear forever; you can just bump it to your "Future Possibilities” list. (This is where “doing social media for my coaching business", “learning how to weave,” and “spend three months traveling in China” live, for me! Plus the hobbit hole, obviously. My dream house!!)

OK, down to the nitty gritty. We’re going to figure out: what’s the most important thing on this piece of paper? Is it, say, living closer to family? Is it taking a big step in your career? Is it having a kid?

Not sure which thing should take priority? You want it aaaaallllll?!

[Well, first of all—are you so sure you can’t have it all? Maybe there’s a big, audacious move you could make that would let you get all the things you want. Sometimes people dismiss these options as unrealistic, but they don’t have to be! Maybe take 10 minutes and see if something like that is possible for you. If it’s really, truly not, let’s move on to….]

…that trusty values exercise I always talk about. Look at your list and identify the most meaningful value for your life right now. Let that value be your guide, helping you to pick the most important thing to focus on. An example: If you’re at a time in your life when the most important thing is being close to family, then that becomes the decision you’re making, and now you have to figure out what form it takes. Maybe this means you move back to your hometown for a few months; maybe it means you call your mom once a week; maybe it means you start a family newsletter—there’s lots of different ways you could do this!

I just coached someone in a one-year degree program at a very prestigious university. She has a lot of goals and things she wants to do and couldn’t choose what to pursue first, which resulted in her doing….not very much. I advised her that when she was faced with a long list of options and got stuck deciding what to do, to always choose the thing that wouldn’t be available a year from now. Whether that was networking with classmates, getting coffee with a professor, or spending time at the free campus gym, priority should be given to things that won’t be around forever.

Pulling out a single decision and making it starts a rather lovely effect whereby every subsequent decision becomes easier. If your priority was time with family and you decided that meant you had to move home, that probably narrows down your career options, or your dating choices, or the kinds of hobbies you take up next. That’s a good thing!

If you’re at a time in your life when you’re facing a whole bunch of decisions at once and don’t know where to start, try this. And let me know how it goes!