Who should you talk to when making a decision?

I’ve lost count of the number of clients I’ve had whose parents have Very Clearly Defined ideas about what their kids should be doing with their lives! And so, when my client tries to ask their parents’ opinion about a big decision:

• Should I try to get an internship at a publishing house?

• Should I move in with my girlfriend?

• Should I take a sabbatical and travel for three months?

The answer is always overlaid with LOTS of expectations and judgments.

The same can go for friends. The problem with talking to family and friends about your decision is that, for the most part, those people have some personal stake in what you decide to do. Your best friend doesn’t want you to move out of town and abandon your weekly hangs. Your parents don’t want you to give up your job and start freelancing; don’t you know they can’t relax unless you have a steady job?! Your sister doesn’t want you to have a baby (or at least, not before she has a baby).

So, when you’re considering talking to people about your decision, I urge you to choose carefully! First of all, talk to no more than five people. Three is probably plenty, but there’s some leeway. After that—and we’ve all been stuck on a decision that’s taking up so much mental space that we’ve talked to strangers at a party about it, or the doorman, or the person behind the register at the drugstore—more opinions just cloud the issue. Three to five; that’s it.

Now, consider the following when you’re trying to decide who to talk to about your decision. Ask yourself these questions:

1) Has this person, historically, been supportive of me? Or do they end up pushing their own agenda?

2) Does this person have a dog in this fight? Is their life going to change depending on what I choose, and will it change positively or negatively?

3) When I talk to this person about something important in my life, do I usually end that conversation feeling happy and reassured, or doubtful and pushing back?

And one more, just for kicks: what kinds of choices do they make—and I do usually think they’re doing the right thing or not?

There are definitely people you should prioritize talking to! One client who wasn’t sure whether she should move to Paris full-time or stay at her east coast job gave me a great example of when someone SHOULD listen to other people’s opinions.

“My friends,” she told me, “say I’m happier in Paris, and that I’m miserable on the east coast.”

These friends are the kinds of people you should talk to when making a decision. They’re looking out for your happiness, not your career or your reputation or other societal measures of success. If you’ve got a friend like this, you should probably listen to them.