Should you have a kid with someone who doesn’t want one?
Today, we’re talking about one of the most common questions I get asked as a decision coach: should you have a kid?
More specifically:
Should you have a kid with your partner if they don’t really want a kid?
And, from the other point of view:
Should you have a kid with your partner if you’re the one who doesn’t really want a kid?
I’ve coached people on both sides of this situation. One woman had a boyfriend of a few years who didn’t want children. She did. She had thought that over time he’d change his mind, but he hadn’t. Should she leave the relationship or stay in the relationship and not have kids?
We decided that she should end the relationship (I’m not including all the details here to respect her privacy, but take it from me that it was the right call!).
But….she didn’t. A while later, she made another appointment. On this call, she told me she hadn’t broken up with him, and he’d eventually said he would have a baby so they could stay together, although she’d have to be OK with him taking a job a few hours away.
So, she’d fished her wish! Sort of. She could have the relationship and the kid. Only it wouldn’t look exactly the way she wanted. The child would have a part-time father, whom she wouldn’t be able to count on for much. She still felt some ambivalence about the relationship, and told me "I will have to make more compromises because he won’t.” On the other hand, she said, “maybe it’s better than starting from scratch.”
Another client, a man with a full life and successful career, called me about the same question, just from the other perspective. After decades of dating, he’d met someone with whom he had formed a great relationship. They’d been together for a couple of years, although she wanted kids, and he never had. But should he have kids with her anyway, so they could stay together?
She had offered, he told me, to do all of the child-rearing on her own. He could be a mostly absent dad—still working lots of hours, still taking trips with his friends. Kind of a 1950s sitcom dad who would be involved, as he put it, “at the 50,000 feet level.”
“I could make it work,” he told me. “That’s the kind of dad I had, and I turned out fine.”
“OK,” I said. “But, given the choice, is it the kind of dad you would have wanted?”
Not to toot my own horn too much 🤣, but I thought this was a great question! And it turned the tide for him on the decision—to end the relationship rather than move forward having a family he didn’t actually want.
I had someone email me recently about this decision, too. She was married, and she and her husband had different opinions about whether they should have a second child.
Here’s what I told her: if you’re a “we’re not breaking up over this” couple trying to make this decision together but you’re on opposite sides, it’s not a DECISION, per se. It’s a COMPROMISE. In this situation, I’d 1) point out that no option will make everyone happy and 2) try to broker a deal in which the person who gets what they want (whether that’s having a kid or not having a kid) has to give the other person something they want, whether that’s a week every year to go on vacation alone, or moving somewhere the other person doesn’t really want to live. Use your imagination!
If you want kids but you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t, ask yourself:
Am I OK with this (coupledom, parenthood, growing my family) looking different than I thought it would?
Is it better to settle for this version than to try to get the version I really want?
And is this scenario what I want to offer a child? (This is a judgment-free question! Please answer it honestly, for your own sake!)
If you’ve made this choice, I’d love to hear how it went for you!